ReignOverMe Page 4

  Spencer isn’t ashamed of the way he’d bent to Dmitri, not like he used to be, so his voice is steady and his eyes are cool and clear when he locks them back onto Alessandro.

  “It was like heaven, like paradise, to have someone want me like that, to have someone who cared enough to tell me what to do, so I always listened. When he noticed that I had no problem with it, things got worse, and little orders became bigger ones and we spent years in this half-assed master/slave relationship and I was fucking ecstatic the entire time. We got older and things changed without our say so. His parents, teachers, and other friends didn’t approve of me, so the food and the clothes stopped, but Dmitri stayed and so did the orders and the rules. I was old enough by that time to get money here and there from odd jobs so it was nothing.”

  Spencer breaks off for a second because he’s hit the part of the story that’s really painful for him and he needs a moment to gather himself before he talks. Alessandro is riveted but still manages to pat him on the shoulder encouragingly.

  “When I was seventeen I went to this party he was throwing and one of his friends jumped me and stuck his tongue down my throat. I managed to get away from him after a few seconds but it shook me up and I went home. I never told Dmitri what happened—I didn’t really know how. A few days later I was late getting to his apartment and when I got there he wasn’t alone, he had these two guys over and one of them was the one who jumped me at the party. I could tell that he was pissed from the moment I saw him, but I didn’t know why until he showed me the photo. I tried to explain it to him, tried to get him to believe me but he wouldn’t and instead he threw me out. I went back every day for two weeks, called him over and over again until one day he disconnected his phone. When I got to his apartment he was gone, no forwarding address, no note, nothing. He disappeared without a trace and it broke me. That’s the day I meet Marko. He found me outside that apartment building, listened to what had happened and picked me up and took me home just like Dmitri did. Except in the end Marko kept me.”

  He lets out a deep sigh, feeling almost lighter now that he’s told his story and he straightens his shoulders and waits for Alessandro’s judgment. He knows that what he and Dmitri had between them wasn’t something that many people considered normal, that the unbalanced relationship they had was often frowned upon by others. He’s surprised and yet relieved when a strong arm wraps around his shoulders and he’s hugged tightly against the soft fabric of Alessandro’s suit jacket.

  “That man you ran into yesterday, that was Dmitri, wasn’t it?”

  “Yes.”

  “And you recognized him after all these years?”

  “It’s his eyes. I’ll never forget them. Even if everything else about him were to change I will always recognize his eyes.”

  Spencer knows that he’s telling the truth. Dmitri’s eyes have always pierced straight through to the heart of him and he knows now that it will never be any different no matter how much time passes.

  Alessandro shifts and pulls Spencer away from his chest so they’re facing each other once again and his hands are gripping Spencer’s shoulders loosely.

  “I know that I’m no replacement for Marko, but I hope that you know that I’ll always be there for you. If you need me for anything, I’ll be ready and willing to help you.”

  Spencer lifts his arms and wraps the older man in a tight hug, his eyes prickling slightly in gratitude.

  “I know you will. I know.”

  Chapter Seven

  Spencer is man enough to admit that he spends the next month twitching at shadows and damn near flinching every time he sees a particular shade of blue before he finally calms down. After a bit of a shaky start and the liberal use of a few sick days and some accumulated vacation time he manages to get back on his regular schedule. He buries himself in the lifestyle that Marko helped him to create. He’s nowhere near over losing Marko, but he’s making steps towards dealing with it even if he’s nowhere near over it. On his good days he can feel the grief running through him instead of pooling in his stomach whenever he’s teaching his class about the finer points of early American literature. On his bad days, the ones where he rolls out of bed and it hits him in the chest that Marko is gone and he’s the only one in the house anymore, it takes all that he has not to crawl back into bed.

  He’s always heard that things like this get worse before they get better, but he’s never experienced grief like this before. It was different with Dmitri, a different kind of loss because even if he never saw him again, Spencer knew the blue-eyed man was alive and chose to leave him. Not like with Marko, who wasn’t given a choice and whose permanent home is now a graveyard outside the city.

  So it’s difficult to get his life back on track, but for the most part he manages it with the support of Alessandro and things go back to not quite normal but close enough. It takes effort but he manages to put thoughts of Dmitri back into the lockbox in the depths of his mind where he’s kept them for years. That’s why he’s stunned speechless, his messenger bag slipping off his shoulder to land on the steps beside him with a dull thud, at the sight of Dmitri standing casually outside his school backlight by the setting sun like something out of a fantasy or a nightmare.

  Spencer stops breathing for a moment and contemplates running again just like he did that day over a month ago, but dismisses the idea as quickly as it comes. He was overloaded that day and unable to handle the added stress of seeing Dmitri again after so long. He’s stronger now, his feet settled firmly on the ground and his head no longer absolutely clouded by grief. He’s still weak when it comes to Dmitri, he knows that, has almost made peace with the fact, but he’s not the same push-over he was when they were younger. He won’t let Dmitri reign over him blindly ever again.

  With those thoughts swirling through his mind Spencer reaches down to pick up his bag and sling it back over his shoulder before he continues down the front steps of the school. He’s calm by the time he reaches the bottom and he doesn’t even hesitate when he turns left and walks away from Dmitri without a second glance. He’s looking forward to heading home and eating something besides half stale casseroles and microwave dinners for the first time in weeks and he’ll be damned before he lets Dmitri ruin that for him.

  There’s silence behind him for about half a minute, and then he hears the still familiar sound of Dmitri’s long legs eating up the concrete between them. A hot, wide palmed hand lands on his shoulder and before Spencer can stop himself he’s whirling around, arm flying upwards to knock the offending appendage away from him and a snarl is twisting its way across his mouth.

  “Don’t touch me.”

  Dmitri looks surprised for a split second before his eyes flare in that familiar way that makes Spencer’s blood heat in response. He raises his hands palm up in front of him in a silent gesture of harmlessness that Spencer isn’t fool enough to believe for even a second. In response he takes a few steps backwards until he’s out of Dmitri’s admittedly long reach. He’s not frightened of the larger man. Contrary to what others might think of him, Spencer’s always been able to handle himself despite his short and wiry frame. The distance is more of a message to Dmitri, a sort of silent reminder that he no longer has the right to invade Spencer’s personal space like he once did.

  Spencer can tell from the look on the other man’s face that he gets the message loud and clear even if he doesn’t necessarily like it.

  “What do you want, Dmitri?” Spencer knows his voice is sharp, he makes it that way on purpose and he doesn’t regret it. He might be weak when it comes to Dmitri but that doesn’t mean he has to broadcast that fact to the man himself.

  “It’s good to see you again, Spence. I didn’t get the opportunity to say that to you the last time we ran into each other.” Dmitri’s voice is the same husky rasp it was when he was twenty but a bit deeper, and for a moment Spencer is reminded of happier times between them.

  Rage rips through him, though, when he registers just what Dmitr
i had called him, just what name he’d used.

  “Don’t call me that! You lost the right to it years ago.”

  He’s determined not to give Dmitri an inch because he knows that if he does he’ll take control of him all over again.

  “Alright, I’ll refrain from calling you that right now, but I will be using it in the future, Spencer.”

  The emphasis Dmitri puts on Spencer’s name isn’t lost on him, and neither is his almost suspiciously casual mention of the future.

  “That’s based on the thought that there’ll be a future between the two of us, Dmitri. I personally find myself hard pressed to see one at the moment.”

  Dmitri almost destroyed him last time, shattered him into pieces that took him years to pick back up and he was still missing more than a few. Spencer will damn himself to hell before he sets himself up for that kind of fall again.

  “That’s where you’re wrong, Spencer. We’ll always have a future, you and me. That’s something that I realized years ago. I don’t think we’ll ever really escape each other.” The words are steady and spoken with a level of conviction that Spencer finds almost unsettling because he hasn’t heard it since they were small and Dmitri first took him by the hand.

  Spencer barks out a harsh laugh, the same bitter noise that had caused Alessandro to stare at him as if he’d never seen him before. It has almost the same effect on Dmitri and Spencer can’t stop the pleased murmuring in the back of his mind at the thought of unsettling the bastard even a little bit.

  “Me and you a future? Maybe we had one eight or nine years ago, Dmitri—maybe before you threw me away and disappeared without a trace. Maybe then. Not now, not almost ten years after the fact without a word or a postcard or any fucking thing between then and now. So you can take your future and stick it up your ass because I’m not buying it.”

  Spencer steps forward to the edge of the sidewalk and throws out a hand to flag down a passing cab. He normally walks home from work but he knows that if he does Dmitri will just follow him and he doesn’t really have the patience for that this evening.

  “Don’t run from me again, Spencer. I’ll only chase you, and we both know how that’ll end.”

  Spencer stills from where he’s about to slip into the back of his cab. Slowly he straightens himself out to his full height and turns until his eyes lock with bright blue eyes that are watching his with that familiar disturbing focus. He’s not running, not like Dmitri is suggesting. He’s already made the decision that he won’t do that again, but that doesn’t mean that he’s going to continue on with a conversation he doesn’t really care to have in the first place. He’s an adult and fully capable of leaving if he wants to. It doesn’t mean that he’s running away, simply that he’s ending a conversation he no longer wants to be a part of. There’s a big difference between the two.

  “I’m not the one who ran away first, Dmitri. You did that all on your own years ago. I’ve got nothing to run from any more, least of all you. As for chasing me, well you’ll find that the game is a lot different now than it was in the past. I’m not yours to command anymore.”

  Spencer takes great pleasure in the displeased look on Dmitri’s face and there’s a satisfied tilt to his smile when he gets into the cab and shuts the door before giving his address to the driver.

  In his satisfaction he misses the way Dmitri’s face clears and the way his lips curl promisingly around his almost whispered words.

  “Maybe not now but you will be.”

  Chapter Eight

  Spencer knows Dmitri well even after all these years so he knows that their encounter is far from a one off. He knows that with a certainty that he hasn’t felt in what seems like a life time. Dmitri’s always been relentless, a force of nature that you either run from or learn to survive. Spencer has no intentions of doing the first and he ruthlessly pushes down the urge to go back to doing the second.

  He has a strict policy against lying to himself so he doesn’t even try to pretend that the sight of Dmitri’s broad shoulders filling out his exquisitely tailored suit doesn’t cause his blood to heat up. He’s long past making peace with how the thought of the bigger man’s chiseled jaw and firm lips makes his pulse race. Not to mention the way his large warm palms make Spencer want to go to his knees and give himself over to the man just like he used to when they were younger.

  Spencer doesn’t deny these things, he doesn’t lie to himself or try to pretend otherwise but he also doesn’t let those desires rule him. Not like they used to. Dmitri betrayed him once, left him hurting and shattered after years of loyalty and obedience.

  Spencer isn’t willing to chance that again.

  It doesn’t matter that he wakes up at night hard as stone, face buried in an ancient pillow and lips still curling around Dmitri’s name like a prayer. He doesn’t let it matter, refuses to allow it to make a difference. He gets used to pushing those thoughts and that curling flame of desire in his gut down like he gets used to pushing down his grief over Marko so that he can function.

  So he does his level best to ignore the familiar way his heart skips a beat when he walks out of his townhouse and Dmitri is there leaning against side of a dark red car that Spencer assumes is his because he doesn’t recognize it. Instead he locks his front door and does the same thing he’s done every time Dmitri has appeared outside of his school in the past three weeks, he turns and walks away like it’s any other day and he has things to do. He doesn’t even bother to take the time to wonder how Dmitri knows where he lives. He isn’t naïve enough to think that Dmitri doesn’t know a million little things about his life by now.

  He isn’t surprised when Dmitri follows him without even hesitating, long strides eating up the pavement until they’re walking beside each other in seconds.

  “One of these days you’re actually going to speak to me first instead of pretending that I don’t exist and going about your day like you can’t see me.” Dmitri’s tone is almost amused but Spencer doesn’t let it make him smile, doesn’t give into the urge to soften towards Dmitri.

  He’s done nothing to really deserve Spencer’s forgiveness.

  “Or you could stop showing up outside my work and now my home and following me back and forth like some sort of large demented hound.” Spencer throws the words out easily, just like he has every time Dmitri’s shown up, and he’s half afraid that once again Dmitri won’t listen and half afraid that this time he will.

  “I’m not going anywhere Spencer, not this time, so you might as well give up on trying to get rid of me.”

  “Oh I don’t think I’ll ever give up on that particular dream, Dmitri. After you left the first time, my life turned out splendidly so hell, I’m willing to chance it.” The words are mocking, meant to hurt, meant to poke and prod at the thing between them that has yet to be addressed. Spencer can tell from the stony silence beside him that he’s succeeded.

  “Are you ever going to forgive me for that? Are we ever going to be able to move past that day?” Dmitri’s voice is low and tense and for the first time that Spencer can ever remember there’s a hint of almost pleading in it.

  It takes all of his self-control not to let himself melt and give Dmitri what he obviously wants. Resisting that natural desire to please Dmitri is beginning to hurt Spencer but he holds his ground as best he can. Without breaking his stride he turns his head ever so slightly and makes eye contact with Dmitri for the first time.

  “You’ve done nothing to deserve my forgiveness, nothing to show me that you regret what you did besides hang around and be a damned nuisance. I remember you being horrible at apologizing when we were younger and I’m sorry to see that you’ve actually managed to get worse with age.”

  Dmitri makes a small humming noise in his throat and Spencer almost stumbles at his next words, a firm hand on his elbow the only thing stopping him from taking a nasty spill.

  “You’re right, of course. That has always been one of my more damning personality traits. I suppose my only exc
use is breeding. We both know that my parents never really focused on anything more than the fact that children should be seen and not heard. Fuck knows they never bothered to teach me anything even remotely useful.”

  It’s the first time Spencer’s ever heard Dmitri talk about his family in a disparaging manner. It isn’t the first time that Spencer’s been made aware of the fact that Dmitri’s home life was almost as fucked up as his own only in a different way, but it’s the first time Dmitri’s ever come out and basically said as much.

  Spencer knows all about painful childhoods and parents who criticize too much or too little but never take the time to actually speak to you. He barely thinks before he’s gently removing his elbow from Dmitri’s grasp with a soft hand and a quick squeeze to the other man’s wrist, the action more commiserating than reproachful.

  Dmitri’s quick to flip his wrist around in Spencer’s grip and to mirror the move, his fingers a warm bracelet around Spencer’s own wrist. His fingers slid down the skin of Spencer’s hand and he knows moments before Dmitri succeeds that the larger man is intent on tangling their fingers together and he pulls back right before it happens. Dmitri is noticeably reluctant but he lets him go, lets him retreat in this small way without a battle and it’s uncharacteristic of him and Spencer is deeply grateful for it.